life is a’changing

Well, things are really different. The way I saw myself in 5 years back in 2008, and the way I see myself now, are two different people.

I am going in today to drop out of my Ph.D. program at Georgetown. I got my master’s, I have a perfect GPA, I am their golden child….but my heart isn’t in it anymore. I don’t want to teach at a university, so why stay in the program? Here goes nothing.

Things I DO want to do:

ride my horses every day
run my business
start a new business
spend more time with my husband
go on my first vacation in 1.5 years
not feel “guilty” over the things I should be doing for school
laugh more
visit my family more

and so on. So, there’s that.

blarg

So I moved the horses to Aiken, and for the past two months have driven 8 hours there and back to compete the horses with my trainers riding them between. I came out at the first show with Trance rocking the prelim and Finn doing great for his first show. Then, Trance made easy work of Pine Top II, bringing home third…but he didn’t feel right. I got pretty concerned when, in a lesson with Jan Bynny before Pine Top III - our intermediate move up - he just plain stopped jumping. He has never stopped on me. So I canceled the show and brought him to the vet to learn he had bad ulcers from VERY lame front ankles. They were shocked he was running prelim. Gave him some injections and now he is a new man. Was for the best that I scratched that show, because James’ grandmother passed away so I flew to LA that weekend. Everything happens for a reason, no?

So then I stayed in Aiken for two weeks training a few hours a day on both the boys to prepare for Full Gallop. My first weekend I brought Finn Novice at Sporting Days, in a monsoon, when everything that could go wrong did, but what the hell I laughed it off.

Last weekend was Full Gallop, Trance’s move up to Intermediate and Finn at Novice. Trance rocked his dressage and jumped double clear (those new ankles were worth their weight in gold), and Finn did eh ok in dressage (he should win it every time). Then on day two I was getting ready to head out and soar with Trance around x-c, when Finn started acting like a psycho, then bolted and ran me over. He stepped ON MY PELVIS. I have broken 15 bones, I have been in a coma, I have torn shit, etc., and NEVER, for anything, have I needed pain meds. I was a MESS after it happened, actually went to the show in hopes it would be ok, but could barely walk when I got there, so for the first time in my life I had to withdraw in the middle of a show. With Trance in fourth at his first intermediate in an open division of 21. We were beating Laine on her Rolex horse! WTF! I was so bummed. I went to the ER, couldn’t stop crying every freaking time I moved, so got Demerol (a gift from God himself). They did one x-ray, said it wasn’t broken but that stress fractures don’t show for ten days, and sent me on my way. I had to fly home instead of drive because I couldn’t walk. I got a wheelchair and everything.

Apparently he crushed my cauda equana, a nerve sack in my pelvis that contains the nerve roots from L1-5 and S1-5. Let me tell you, nerve damage is a bitch. I feel fine then I barely move and WHAM CRIPPLING PAIN. I have been on pain meds all week (but defiantly stopped them today to prove I am improving). I have my horses entered for Poplar next week, which should be my THIRD Intermediate with Trance, and I am just hoping it happens as the first.

Then I get a call that Finn is acting crazy in general: being mean when people walk into the pasture (he usually trots up with his ears perked and says hello), rearing when asked to walk forward under saddle (never done that before), and refusing to lunge without dolphin hopping around (that’s new, too). So, I have a vet looking at him Monday as all I can conceivably construct is that he is in pain and doesn’t want to work. If he isn’t, then God help me I have 1400 pounds of crazy.

It is so frustrating, because I tried to scratch Finn and was one day past refund date. So, if he gets scratched then the shows I will have paid for and not done or complete or were a wash bc of weather are : Pine Top Advanced, Sporting Days, Full Gallop for both horses, Poplar. That is like a million dollars in lost entries. *headdesk*

I just want to feel better and ride the shit out of Trance at Poplar so I can come back to VA on a high note.

it goes on

It is almost Christmas. Woooaahhhh.

I survived writing over 100 pages this semester, and reading tens of thousands. It looks like I am going to have all As this semester, which would be epic. In grad school, you get an A (like one person in a class, it means AMAZING), or an A- (which means work as expected, good), B+ (something is wrong in your writing or theoretical framing), or B (you might need to drop out and go home). The first year I got two As and one A- each semester, which let me win the competitive fellowship package. The A- was ALWAYS from my advisor, which was frustrating. Then, I took him for TWO classes this fall, which I thought could kill my streak of 2 As a semester. However, his grades are in and I got TWO As from him! I can die complete! Just waiting for the last grade, but the teacher raved about my draft, so I expect an A, but also admit to myself that all I did to change the draft was complete the footnotes and fix a few sentences. Who knows.

I FINALLY got a horse trailer!! It is a gorgeous 3 horse slant Exiss with living quarters. Show season, here I come! I head down to Aiken January 24, and before then am trying to get Trance conditioned for his first show of the season (Jan 29). I am also trying to get in a couple lessons with Kim Severson, as well as Skyeler and Sallie per usual. We are shooting for an international in Canada, the Bromont CCI ** in Quebec, at the start of the summer. That means I come out with one training, two prelims, then up to intermediate. We have to nail two of our first 3 intermediates so we can run the CIC** at Fair Hill. If we don’t make it then we can try again in New Jersey and still make it to Bromont. So, that is the scoop on Trancey Pants. And Finn is starting his first big boy season. Beginner Novice and Novice, here we come! I just hope he doesn’t scream constantly at all the shows like a total child. That, and he doesn’t buck me off.

The business is doing great. It is graduating to a “six-figure” business this year, which is amazing since I started it two and a half years ago. Time flies. I still enjoy it and love all of my employees and clients, so just plan on letting it grow. Although right now we have a wait list and I am not hiring, I might hire one more person in a couple months. Don’t want it to get unwieldy or to start losing quality.

People say they don’t know where I find the time. I shit you not, most the time I feel like I am being lazy and could be doing so much more. Maybe I have some serious personality issue, but at least it works for me. I don’t feel overwhelmed, and actually perform better across school, work and riding when all three are at a pretty high tilt.

AND Kim Severson just called and we set up lessons. It’s official, my life is complete.

it’s always like this.

grumpystump:

“I love writing but hate starting. The page is awfully white and it says, “You may have fooled some of the people some of the time but those days are over, giftless. I’m not your agent and I’m not your mommy. I’m a white piece of paper, you wanna dance with me?” And I really, really don’t.”

-Aaron Sorkin

(Source: changedaround)